Friday, June 09, 2006

Eliminate Bono

I hereby give my full backing to the efforts of the people who have made

I Hate The World Cup

I hate the World Cup. Sorry but i just do not care in the slightest. That's all i have to say for the moment. No doubt there will be more ranting once all the boring idiots at work chew my ear off about it.

I Love U2 Fans

Yes indeed i do. I love U2 fans. Their whiney hatemail is most ammusing. Fell free to keep it coming. Been without internet access for a couple of weeks and I return and see that word of International Shoot Bono In The Face Day has been spreading far and wide. Keep up the good work. Also, feel free to come up with more anti-Bono photoshop images for the competition.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006



I think after you've read my Top Ten Reasons To Hate Bono post then you will agree with me that he does need to be shot in the face. Or at the very least have a specific day dedicated to hating him. This is why I have declared 1st July 2006 to be International Shoot Bono In The Face Day. Whether you're young or old, male or female and whatever the colour of your skin and whatever your sexual orientation we can all join together in our hatred of Bono.

Please tell everyone you know about International Shoot Bono In The Face Day. Don't do it for me - do it for the good of society as a whole.

I feel that my photoshop skills are not good enough to fully express the world's hatred of Bono. Therefore I am starting a competition to come up with the best pictures and animations of Bono being shot in the face. I dedicate whole pages of my blog to show off the very best entries I receive. Hell, I might even go the whole hog and set up a specific website for it. Email your entries to You know you want to! Oh, and fell free to come up with any kind of anti-Bono pictures/animations. I feel that him being shot in the face would be best but let your imagination run wild! And remember, spread the word that 1st July 2006 is International Shoot Bono In The Face Day!

Top Ten Reasons To Hate Bono

I really really Bono.


1. He 'sings' in U2
U2 are the anti-music. Not even Simon Cowell himself could concoct a group so vile and lacking in soul. Black Lace, Fast Food Rockers, the makers of the Crazy Frog and Westlife all sleep easy at night safe in the knowledge that their musical crimes wer einsignificant next to those of U2. U2 are absolute masters of the non-song. Okay, some time in the 80s they actually wrote 1 or 2 passable songs but since then they've churned out on-songs. By non-songs I mean those vague middle of the road bits of innoffensive fluf that don't have any real choruses or verses. They just 'exist'. There's no atual tune. The ultimate in blandness.

2. Sunglasses
Does he wear them to hide the lizard eyes? David Icke told me he does and I'm inclined to believe him.

3. His charity work
Is there anything worse in the world than multi millionaires telling everyone how bad global poverty is. Completely vomit inducing.

4. He sings in U2
Just thought I'd remind you!

5. I hate Bono
I hate Bono therefore you should too!

6. Just look at him
Isn't he so smug. Don't you just want to shoot him in the face.

7. He called himself Bono
What hell kind of stupid nickname is 'Bono'?

8. He sings in U2
I can't emphasise this enough

9. He is still alive
Why hasn't someone shot him in the face yet?

10. He sings in U2
Just thought I'd drive this point in once again.

I Hate Big Brother

I Hate Big Brother

So the countdown begins to the start of yet another yawn fest. Another bunch of nonentities get launched into semi-stardom. Well, for the short while the programme is on and only amongst the (sadly huge) group of people who watch Big Brother. It was moderately interesting the first time round and they could have made a vaguely decent 30 minute programme from the first time they put celebrities in there. The horse was fogged to death years ago though. Sadly there's very few people who agree with me. I know that each day I go into the office I'll have to endure conversations about the muppets inside the Big Brother house. ANd don't even get me started on Davina McCall and Dermot O'Dreary.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

I Hate Music

I Hate Music

Well, I don't hate all music but I do hate modern music. As expected the newspapers have riled me yet again. Who in God's name are all these new fangled bands? I haven't heard them but you can bet your bottom dollar that I hate The Arctic Monkeys. I hate the Kaiser Chiefs and The Strokes. I hate Coldplay. I hate pretty mucha ll the bands that the culture guides are telling me to like. It's all utter piffle. Give me my Frank Sinatra records any day of the week.

I Hate Credit Cards

I Hate Credit Cards

My personal finances are perfectly okay thank you very much. I do not need to consolidate all my loans. I do not need to borrow £10,000 to buy a new car, go on holiday or to pay for my wife's boob job. I only wanted to walk to the corner shop and buy the saturday papers. On my way out of the door I am confronted with nearly a sackful of mail. "Isn't it simply wonderful that in this day and age of the internet and texting and goodness knows what else I still have friends who stick with the tried and tested method of writing a letter". On closer inspection, of course, my pile of post turned out to be nothing more than an endless array of advertising pamphlets telling offering me all kinds of credit cards and loans that i don't need. On returning from the shops with my newspapers I'm then treated to yet more of these damn things. I swear that half the thickness of the weekend papers is made up from these leaflets. Straight into the recycling with it all! Don't be surprised if I post in another hour or so after being confronted by yet more idiocy of the modern world courtesy of the papers.

Friday, May 12, 2006


I Hate Hollyoaks.

Why does it have to be on at dinner time? There you are quite happily watching the simpsons and then that farical programme comes on. Can anyone in Hollyoaks actually act? Some woman's baby died today and she showed about as much emotion as if she was trying to portray someone who had been handed a slightly lukewarm cup of tea. And apparently we are still supposed to believe that the lad that looks like he's an army private in his mid-20s is actually just 16. Why can't they show proper dramas early in the evening? A good bit of period drama might show the kids of today something about culture.

I Hate Celebrities

I hate celebrities!

I hate Tom Cruise. I hate Madonna. I hate Britney Spears. I hate Mariah Carey. I hate Jordan. I hate Peter Andre. I hate Jennifer Lopez. I hate Paris Hilton. I hate whoever enters the Big Brother house. I hate Pamela Anderson. I hate Mel Gibson. I hate Kelly Clarkson. I hate Sharon Osbourne. I hate Kelly Osbourne. I hate Jack Osbourne. Ozzy Osbourne sang for Black Sabbath. I don't hate him. I hate Denise Van Outen. I hate Jessica Simpson. I hate Bruce Willis. I hate Eminem. I hate George michael. I hate Tara Palmer Tomkinson. I hate Jade Goody. I hate Pete Doherty. I hate Shane Richie. I hate Kylie Minogue. I hate Jodie Marsh. I hate Jamie Oliver. I hate Christina Aguilera. I hate Kerry Katona. I hate Ant and Dec. I hate Jennifer Aniston. I hate Kirsty Gallacher. I hate Jamie Theakston. I hate Gordon Ramsey. I hate Michael Barrymore. I hate Davina McCall. I hate David Beckham. I hate Victoria Beckham.

I hate very single last one of them. I don't care one iota about them so why have their names been blasted into my brain. I propose the next 'Celebrity' programme should be Celebrity Battle Royale. Instead of hundreds of Japanese schoolchildren dying it would be hundreds of celebrities. And it wouldn't be a film, it would be real. I'd certainly watch it.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I Hate ATM Receipts

I hate ATM receipts. I really really hate ATM receipts.

Apart from the distinct lack of money in my bank account there's one thing that really gets my goat when I take cash out from an ATM. Those bloody infernal receipts they spit out. Obviously they are quite useful if you actually do want to keep a receipt. I've no doubt it makes some sound economic sense if you want to take lots of care over your bank account. However most people who request receipts don't want to keep them. In fact, they don't want them at all. The reason they request them is because they are too stupid to decide what they actually want went given the choice of "cash with receipt" and "cash without receipt". It's a fairly simple choice. Maybe it's hard for the simple people that seem to inhabit this town. Yes, I live near lots of students. I'd go into how much I hate students but that's a whole new rant! Where was I? Yes, so you go to get some money out of the cahs machine and the place is littered with these infernal receipts (ooh, i hate litter too!). The person at the cash machine finishes and you wander up to put your card in and what happens? That's right! Another bloody receipt pops out. The cretin in front of you didn't even so much as glance at the receipt. With any luck identity fraudsters will pick up all these little pieces of paper and empty your bank accounts!

I Hate The Weather

Hot and sunny is fine by me. Hot and muggy is not. Dear God, please can you get it sorted. Thank you.

I Hate Star Wars DVDs

I hate Star Wars DVDs. I really hate Star Wars DVDs.

In the pub last night I ended up chatting to possibly the most boring man in existence. It was the happiest day of his life apparently. "Did you finally lose your virginity at the ripe old age of 40?" I asked. Suprisingly he didn't respond to that but did insist on twittering on in my ear for what seemed and eternity about the fact that Star Wars is coming out on DVD. Quite why this news was so good I never manged to find out. I managed to drag myself away from him before i thrust my pint glass full force into his face. I thought the shops were filled with Star Wars dvds anyway. You can get pretty much any old bit of tat with a Star Wars logo on it so i find it hard to understand how exciting the fact that they are releasing dvds of it. It is a film after all. And apart from the fact that Star Wars is utter rubbish, what's wrong with vhs tapes? I might have to re-write my 'i hate star wars' blog as it seems my hatred of it just keeps increasing unabated!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I Hate The Da Vinci Code

I hate the Da Vinci Code. I really hate the Da Vinci Code!

I know it’s my own damn fault but I was just watching Channel 5 and there was some god awful programme about The Da Vinci Code on. A load of utter bunkum if you ask me. A load of silly tittle tattle about Templar Knights and Mary Magdalene. Umpteen talking heads blithering about inconsequential rubbish. Yes, I do know I shouldn’t expect anything more from a Channel 5 documentary but it made my blood boil.

I think I’ll go and do something productive like read a book (not the infernal Da Vinci Code mind).

I Hate Star Wars

I hate Star Wars. I really hate Star Wars. Mere words cannot describe exactly how much I hate Star Wars. If there were any justice in the world whatsoever it would be receive the same critical plaudits awarded to Plan 9 From Outer Space. And at least Edward Wood didn’t decide to make 3 different versions of it (or is it 6 or 9? I can’t remember. And who cares!). Plan 9 also makes you laugh.

Will somebody please shoot the moronic twenty-something males who worship this film and exalt George Lucas to the status of a modern day Jesus Christ. On second thoughts, can you also shoot all the cretins in their 30s who do the same too. Unbelievable that the film has been out for so long. You would have thought these buffoons would have stopped collecting stupid plastic toys and living with their mothers by now. Just because you have a vaguely flashy car and maybe had sex once or twice in your life it doesn’t stop you from being the living embodiment of the comic book guy from the Simpsons. “I’ve wasted my life”. Indeed you have. You’ve wasted it watching some of the crappest slop Hollywood has to offer.

Yeah, the story is based on some universal truth. Something we can all relate to. I really don’t care. I could probably relate to a film about going to the corner shop for a pint of milk. I wouldn’t want to watch the bloody thing though. It’s been so long since I’ve watched the utter drivel that is Star Wars that I can’t remember what the actual universal story is. Something about growing up and good against evil. Might as well be American Pie Part 7 or something.

Star Wars go to hell.

I hate blogs and the internet.

I hate blogs and the internet. More rants to come.